The Very Heart Of Me
by The Accidental Scribe
Summary: Martin and Louisa are at a crossroads in their relationship. They both react to events from the perspective of their own insecurities and when things finally come to a head, they both have to confront some disturbing home truths. Set somewhere around the happenings in S6 and S7, this story explores their journey.
1. Chapter 1

Doctor Ruth Ellingham, in her capacity as psychiatrist, had seen every shade of human behaviour at Broadmoor psychiatric hospital for her to know that there are depths to the human psyche that occasionally defy the closest and most intense scrutiny. Her brilliant mind had long ago learnt to filter the babble of irrelevant noise that went with exploring the human experience and had found ways to discern, in the midst of it, the essence of the person: what it was that drove them to do and say the things they did, what drove them to feel and act on the emotions they experienced; or not act at all, as sometimes happened.

What she was observing now however, was different, in that this time there was no psychiatric patient with outrageously deviant behaviour in front of her. Nevertheless, the person she was observing was just as complex, because there'd been so many layers to peel away before she could get to the essence of the man. And the man in question was her beloved nephew, Doctor Martin Ellingham, who now sat opposite her at her kitchen table, his meal hardly touched; his eyes sadder than she had ever seen them. And she'd seen them sad several times before. Haggard was a word that sprang to mind. What she was observing now, was a man close to breaking point, and he'd come to her for help.

"Much as I'd like to be your therapist Martin, I can't. It's against the rules and for a very good reason." Her voice was gentle but firm. "I can't be expected to be unbiased, can I?

He looked up briefly, then busied himself with folding his napkin, but not before Ruth had seen the despair in his eyes. When he eventually spoke, his voice was hardly above a whisper.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Aunt Ruth. Everything I do or say just makes things worse in Louisa's eyes."

Ruth drank the last of her wine and carefully put the glass down as she thought of how best to say what she wanted to say. Usually she would just come out with it in a clinical, logical way, much like Martin always did, but looking at the state he was in, she knew that this would not help matters. She sighed inwardly and instead asked, "What is it you really want Martin?"

He didn't look up. "I want Louisa to stay…for her to be happy." His voice was low.

"And why is she unhappy?"

He rubbed his hand over his eyes. "I don't know…she confuses me."

Ruth remained silent. It was a tactic that never failed to work when she was interviewing patients. They would quickly grow uncomfortable with the silence and most times they would begin to talk just to fill it. One learnt a lot like that. Martin wasn't like most patients though. The silence stretched interminably as he folded and re-folded his napkin. But eventually he did speak.

"She says that we should be apart until we've sorted out our…differences. But I'm not exactly sure what she means by 'differences', or what I'm supposed to do. Every time I say something it just seems to make things worse." He rubbed his hand over his eyes again. "And if I don't speak for fear of upsetting her, she gets even more upset."

Ruth still didn't speak and Martin fiddled with the spoon next to his plate. When he spoke, his voice sounded almost despondent.

"She says one thing, but often means another entirely."

Ruth could only imagine what went on when Martin and Louisa 'talked'. He was by nature a man of few words and when he did speak it was usually in literal, logical terminology. Louisa on the other hand was more animated and chatty. It was at best an unbalanced line of communication and, at the moment, she was willing to bet there was hardly any physical communication either. Or she assumed there wasn't, given the current circumstances.

"Martin, when last have you shown Louisa any physical affection?"

Martin frowned and cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

"Uhh…what do you mean?"

"When last have you held her, made love to her...that sort of thing?"

"Aunt _Ruth_!" he spluttered, "That's…_none _of your business." A faint blush crept up his neck.

"So...not recently then." She watched him fidget, his brow creasing as he glanced up at her.

"It _is_ a relevant question Martin; I am not just prying into your private life."

Ruth got up and switched on her espresso machine. Perhaps if she wasn't sitting opposite him he would open up a little.

"Umm…Louisa has made it clear that she doesn't want me near her." His voice was low. "She's moved out with James Henry... found a place up near the school."

Ruth could hear the hurt in his voice. He adored his son and she knew it was hard for him not to be near him. She set two espresso cups under the nozzle of the machine and pressed the button. Soon the rich aroma of coffee wafted into the air.

She placed a cup in front of him and sat down again. "I'm sorry to hear that Martin."

"Yes."

"What happened this time?"

Martin gave a sigh, then mumbled, "Infant vaccinations."

Ruth's eyebrows shot up. "Infant vaccinations?" Of all the reasons she'd been given for the breakup of a relationship, infant vaccinations had to take first prize.

"Yes...I…err…I mentioned to Louisa that I had given James his…umm…his first inoculation."

Ruth could just imagine what happened next.

"And she asked why you hadn't consulted her first?"

He looked surprised. "Yes…how did you know?"

"Martin…even _I_ would want to know that given the same circumstances."

Ruth could see him grappling with the logic.

"Well…I thought it was a simple thing. A child needs to be inoculated at specific times in their infancy. James Henry had reached that first stage. I am James' father _and_ a doctor; therefore it was logical that I should just do it with the minimum amount of fuss." He looked up at Ruth. "I couldn't see there being a problem with that...but clearly I was wrong."

His hands came together and he twisted the ring on his left hand.

"Louisa exploded with rage. She wanted to know how I could go ahead and do something as important as that without talking to her first. How dare I make unilateral decisions about our child? I...I just thought..." His voice petered out.

Martin could still hear the conversation in his head as if Louisa was in the room with them. She'd stood in his consulting room with her hand on her hip, her eyes blazing with fury.

"How _could _you Martin."

"So you _didn't _want James to be innoculated? Louisa, we've spoken about this before. The myth about autism and the like is absolute rubbish...studies have shown…"

"No _Mar_-tin, it's got nothing to do with side effects and don't you _dare_ quote studies at me...you should have _told _me you were going to do it!"

"I'm confused. So you _did _want James to be innoculated? So why are you so upset?"

"Ohhh...you don't get it, do you? You _never _do…"

She had stormed out of his consulting room and into the kitchen where she'd gone about preparing supper with barely controlled fury. Neither of them could eat much and James picked up on the tension and fussed more than usual.

"Louisa...I didn't mean to upset you...I just didn't think it was that much of a…"

His words dried up as she'd looked up from her plate and fixed him with a stare that was almost resigned.

Martin came back to the present and looked over at his aunt.

"She also brought up the time I'd made a date for James' christening, even though that was months ago."

Ruth remembered that time very well.

Martin tried to see the connection between the christening and the vaccination. He conceded that he had set the date for the christening without actually talking to Louisa first but, in his own defence, he _had_ looked at her diary and seen that the date was free. He'd been free too and it was the only date in the following three months that the vicar had been free as well, so it was a logical decision. He thought he was doing the right thing and still couldn't understand why she'd been so upset.

Ruth felt for Martin. She was after all an Ellingham too and could quite clearly see the logic in his actions. What Martin failed to understand though was that it had nothing to do with the christening _or_ the vaccination, but everything to do with leaving Louisa out of the process. Ruth had no doubt that Louisa would have agreed with Martin's planning in both instances, had he discussed it with her beforehand.

Ruth looked at her nephew's dejected posture. His usually ramrod straight back seemed stooped and his head was down again.

"Martin, I can't be your therapist but as your Aunt I am going to give you some advice which, as you know, I don't normally do. It has a nasty habit of coming back to bite one, but in this case I am going to do it anyway."

She paused, trying to find the right words.

"From what I have observed, Louisa is a fiercely independent person. She's had to cope with abandonment…"

Martin's head shot up, "How do you know that?"

"People talk…and I'm a good listener," she said with her lopsided smile. "Louisa has fended for herself since she was very young, and now she is your wife and she expects you to at least include her when it comes to decisions that affect the family. What she needs is a partnership, not some eighteenth century patriarchal relationship. When you make this kind of decision and exclude her from the process, she feels disempowered. As if her opinion doesn't count."

"But it's not like that at all…of course her opinion counts." He looked even more confused. Then he frowned and lifted his chin. "And I'm _not_ patriarchal. That's utter rubbish."

Ruth raised her eyebrows.

"Louisa loves you Martin, there's no question about that…but she's not willing to give up her right to be a part of any decision-making affecting James Henry's life. All she probably wanted was to be present when you administered the vaccination."

She leaned forward so that she could look into his downcast face.

"Include her Martin, she is after all James' mother and she does have a say in his upbringing."

"Mmm...yes."

"And another thing…" Ruth got up, taking her cup to the sink. "You need to start paying your wife some attention."

Martin frowned. He always gave Louisa his undivided attention when they were together.

It was as if Ruth could read his mind. "No Martin…I don't mean when she's talking to you…I mean as a man pays attention to the woman he loves."

Martin squirmed on his chair and a faint blush rose from under his collar. He cleared his throat and dropped his chin.

Ruth turned to face him and leaned against the counter.

"It's all in the little things, Martin. It's not just about sex - although, of course, that's important too. It's more about touching her often to show affection. It's about taking her out to dinner occasionally, complimenting her and making her feel special...that sort of thing. Wooing doesn't end when you get married you know. It's even more important as time goes on - it's about creating anticipation and making each other feel wanted. It's about little glances - little touches. Women in particular like that."

She gave a wry smile. She could see Martin's confusion and that he was uncomfortable hearing her talk like that. When he remained silent, she asked, "Don't you _want_ to touch her, Martin?"

His head dropped even lower.

"Of course I do," he said softly. "I can't bear to be apart from her and yet all I seem to do is drive her away…"

Ruth saw him blink and swallow hard as he tried to control himself.

"Oh God…" He covered his eyes with his hand.

Ruth didn't move. Even though she wanted to, she knew that if she went to comfort him it would embarrass him and he would withdraw. So, she busied herself with rinsing cups and waited until Martin eventually regained his composure. He wiped his face with one of the pristine handkerchiefs he always carried on him.

"Umm…an emotional response to a stressful situation...mmm," he mumbled, still not looking up.

"You don't have to explain. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you are a deeply sensitive man who loves his wife very much and frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't reached this point before now."

She sat down again and laid her hand on the table next to his.

"Martin…if you want Louisa back, you are going to have to show her you're not going to give up. You have to take the initiative and show her how much you love her."

He swallowed hard but said nothing.

"Saying 'I love you' is a very good thing but _showing_ her is even better. That's a _powerful _thing. Don't hold back. 'Go for it', as Al would say."

Martin looked up and Ruth saw a spark of hope in her nephew's eyes and noticed for the first time just how expressive those eyes were. She patted his hand, then stood up.

"You'll have me blubbing next," she said gruffly. "Now go home and work out how you are going to show Louisa what a loving and attentive husband you can be."

Martin's mouth lifted slightly in what could almost pass as a smile.

**ooooOOOOoooo**


	2. Chapter 2

On the way to his car, Martin noticed, for the first time, a bed of rose bushes next to where he'd parked. They were covered in blooms and he was sure Aunt Ruth wouldn't mind if he picked one. He inspected each of the bushes and eventually found a rose that had just opened. It was deep red and had a strong bouquet. He picked it and carefully put it on the seat next to him before driving home. He would go to Louisa's cottage and give it to her and tell her he was sorry for not consulting her about James' inoculation. She was sure to be home, it being a Sunday.

His mood felt lighter and when he got back to the surgery, he put the rose in water and went upstairs to freshen up. It was just on 3 pm when he set off down the hill into the village, the rose held carefully between his fingers.

He knocked on the door of Louisa's cottage, nervously looking up and down the road. He could almost feel the eyes of all the neighbours on him and he scowled. Shortly it would be all around the village that the Doc had been to Louisa's – with a rose. He didn't care. They could mock all they liked. He just wanted to see her.

The door opened. "Martin!"

"Louisa." Martin bent slightly so he could see under the low door frame, the rose hidden behind his back.

Their eyes locked for a moment.

"Umm...may I come in?"

She stepped back. "Yes…yes of course."

She'd been working at the kitchen table, every inch of it covered in papers and folders.

"Sorry...it's a bit of a mess in here." She waved her hand towards the table, "I'm working through a Governors' financial report even though it's meant to be school holidays. Come through to the sitting room."

It was the first time he'd been in the cottage. It was small but he could stand upright in both rooms so far. He looked around and, as if Louisa could read his mind, she said, "James is asleep upstairs."

Martin stared at her, his heart pounding as he summoned up the courage to offer his gift.

"Umm…I brought you something." He thrust the rose at her, his eyes anxious and his chin lowered.

Louisa's face broke into a smile as she took it from his outstretched hand.

"Oh Martin…it's beautiful. Thank you." She held the flower to her nose and breathed in deeply. "It smells so nice too."

"Mmm…yes." He tugged at his ear, then held his breath as she stepped closer and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. He savoured the moment, knowing that in the next few minutes everything could change.

She smiled up at him. "I'll just put it in water."

He remembered another time she'd said that, when he'd been invited to their first supper together at White Rose Cottage and he'd brought her yams as a gift. He'd thought it appropriate at the time, seeing that she was anaemic and they were full of iron. Aunty Joan had torn a strip off him and called him an unromantic idiot. If she were looking down on him now, she would hopefully approve of this gift. Of course she wasn't, but sometimes it was comforting to think that she was.

"Would you like some tea? I was just about to make some. Or coffee?" Louisa came back with the rose in a little vase and stood it on a shelf next to the doors leading to the patio. He thought she looked beautiful in her dark blue jeans and a powder blue jersey.

"Umm…tea will be good."

They went back into the kitchen and he watched as she filled the kettle.

"So, what brings you here...bearing such a lovely gift?" She had her back to him as she prepared the teapot, so he couldn't see her face, but her tone sounded a little too casual. Martin hesitated. He recognised that tone and it made him reluctant to begin the conversation because he knew it would change the mood and usher them into rocky territory.

"I…ah…I wanted to…umm…apologise...for not consulting you about inoculating James."

She still didn't turn but he saw her pause in what she was doing.

"It was insensitive of me…and I should have spoken to you beforehand."

She rested her hands on the countertop, still with her back to him and Martin's heart sank. She was not going to accept his apology. He lowered his head and waited for the storm to break.

Louisa finally turned around. He could see by the set expression on her face that she wasn't going to let this go without further discussion.

"Martin…I will accept your apology…but it doesn't mean that we have resolved this issue."

"Umm…yes…uh I mean no..."

He searched her face, hoping to see some encouragement in her expression, but there was none. Her lips were slightly pursed and a frown creased her brow. This was a moment that could blow up in his face if he said the wrong thing. He was terrified and it tied his tongue in knots.

Louisa poured the tea and handed him a cup. "Let's go to the sitting room. It would've been nice to sit out but it's a bit cool, don't you think?" she said looking out at the patio. He nodded.

The sitting room only had a sofa, so they sat awkwardly at opposite ends of it. Martin sipped his tea, hoping that by doing so he could avoid having to speak first.

Louisa waited a moment then said, "So…just so we understand one another, let's just recap on what's brought us to this point, shall we?"

"Yes." He took another sip of tea.

Louisa could see that he was not going to pick up on her cue to continue the discussion and it frustrated her.

"It's your high-handed way of making decisions that affect our lives as a family...without seeing fit to include me. That's what's brought us here."

He looked at her then, his eyes wide. "I know…" His voice cracked slightly and he cleared his throat. "I mean…umm…yes it _was_ high-handed of me…and I apologise."

The silence between them was charged with tension. He heard Louisa sigh loudly. "And?"

Martin looked confused. "And what?"

"Is that _all_ you're going to say?" Louisa put her cup down so hard it rattled on the saucer.

Martin jumped. Oh God, he thought, I've done something again or _not_ done something…but what?

"What would you like me to say?"

"It's not what I'd _like_ you to say _Mar_-tin." The exasperation in Louisa's voice made it sound sharp. "It's about you not talking to me…like now...not sharing your thoughts on the matter…not telling me that you..."

He put his cup down carefully, not quite sure what to say. What exactly was he supposed to share with her? She was staring at him expectantly with her eyebrows raised as if to say, 'I'm waiting Martin!'

Very quietly, he said, "I'm confused…I've apologised...twice...and admitted that I was high-handed in not consulting you…so it follows that next time something comes up, I _will_ consult you." He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly, "Is that acceptable?"

"No Martin, that's _not_ acceptable. It's not about _consulting_ me, '_when something comes up_'!"

Martin looked perplexed. "What do you mean? I thought you wanted me to con…"

Frustration seemed to ooze out of every pore in Louisa's body. "You don't _consult_ with your _wife_ Mar-tin! You consult with a colleague. There's a difference, in case you haven't noticed. You're supposed to talk to me...and not only about..._vaccinations_...about...other..._things_…" She waved her hands in circles as she searched for words. "Everyday things...and that's the problem, isn't it? You consult...but you don't talk. Everything sounds like it's a business meeting. You don't share anything with me unless I ask you. Actually, it's more like I have to interrogate you because all I ever seem to get out of you are short answers."

Martin looked bewildered. He was terrified of speaking. Whatever he said now was going to be taken the wrong way. But if he didn't speak, Louisa was going to get even angrier.

"Umm...Louisa, the term consult is really just another way of saying...discuss...I didn't mean it to sou…"

Louisa looked at him in disbelief and shook her head slowly. "I _know_ what consult means, Martin."

"Of course...I didn't mean to imply…"

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"Ohhhhh…_never_ mind," she groaned in frustration.

Martin's lips tightened as he exhaled through his nose. "Louisa…please...just _tell_ me what you want from me instead of making me guess all the time." His voice was soft and his eyes pleaded with her.

Louisa turned her head away and after a moment she got up and went to stand at the patio doors that looked out over the harbour below, her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. How could she tell him that what she really wanted was the reassurance that she mattered to him, that he loved her. Why should she have to ask him to tell her this? She wanted it to come from him, but she knew it wasn't going to happen. He seemed to be incapable of spontaneously showing her affection or sharing his thoughts and feelings with her. That's what normal couples did. But they were not a normal couple.

Martin was feeling a lot of things at that moment, but the overarching feeling was that he was afraid - afraid of driving the wedge deeper between them. He loved her so much and she couldn't seem to see that. How could she not know? He got up and went to stand beside her. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and feel the comfort of her nearness.

"Louisa…" he said softly, putting his hand out to touch her face with the back of his fingers and she flinched away from him.

Martin pulled his hand away as if he'd been burnt and it felt as if his heart had just shattered into a million pieces. He slowly stepped away from her. She clearly couldn't bear his touch or his presence. He'd been a fool to ever think it could be otherwise.

He turned away and walked to the foot of the stairs. "I'd like to see James."

She nodded and he slowly and quietly climbed the stairs.

On the landing at the top he looked through the doorway to his left and saw that it was the main bedroom, which looked fairly tidy for Louisa. He turned to the other door and went in. James was fast asleep on his back in a travel cot, his little arms flung out above his head. Martin's face was full of tenderness as he bent over and touched the backs of his fingers against the boy's soft forehead. He felt his eyes stinging. How was he going to live without seeing him every day? And Louisa too. The two of them were his life and he was about to lose them. For the second time that day tears welled up and this time, spilled over and ran down his cheeks. It felt like his heart was breaking. Eventually he turned away and dried his face with his handkerchief and when he had composed himself, he made his way downstairs again.

Louisa was in the kitchen.

"I'll be off then," he said, his voice sounding business-like. Louisa nodded and followed him to the little hallway. She leaned past him to open the door, then stepped back and looked up at him. She thought his eyes looked a little red but it was probably the dim light in the hallway.

"Goodbye Martin."

He hurriedly stepped past her into the street. He couldn't speak, so he just grunted, "Louisa," by way of a greeting and set off at a rapid pace down the hill.

**ooooOOOOoooo**

**Thanks for all the reviews and PMs - they are very encouraging and very much appreciated. Some have wondered at my choice of title for this story. It's a line from a song which goes: "If you leave me now, you take away the very heart of me." (from If You Leave Me Now by Chicago). I thought it perfectly sums up what happens in this story.**


	3. Chapter 3

Martin walked as if he were being chased. He walked right past the surgery and up onto the cliff path and didn't stop until he came to a viewing bench quite some distance away. He looked around but mercifully the place was deserted except for the wheeling gulls whose cries mingled with the sound of the sea far below. He sat on the bench, his hands clasped tightly between his thighs.

He'd failed once again to reconcile with Louisa. His apology had almost been superfluous, as if that's not what Louisa really wanted to hear. It was something else and he couldn't fathom what it was. He felt frustrated and confused. A part of his life was slipping away and he was unable to stop it. He had to get used to the idea that there was no future for him with Louisa. She didn't want him – couldn't even bear his touch anymore. Aunt Ruth had been wrong. He wasn't good enough for Louisa. He'd been a fool to think that he could ever make her happy or that she could love him the way he loved her. It was over - truly over.

He swallowed hard as he felt the tears blurring his vision again. He searched for his handkerchief but couldn't find it, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand instead. He stared blindly ahead at the edge of the cliff and at the clouds hanging dark and swollen over the ocean. The wind cut through him like a knife but he didn't care as he lowered his head and covered his face with his hands.

He didn't know how long he sat there but the first spots of rain roused him from his dark thoughts and he eventually stood and made his way down the hill. He was soaked by the time he got back to the surgery. He didn't care. He pushed the kitchen door open and stepped inside, pausing for a moment as a wave of intense loneliness washed over him. It didn't feel like home anymore.

**ooooOOOOoooo**

Louisa watched Martin walk away as if he couldn't wait to put distance between them. His back was straight and his pace fast and he soon disappeared from view.

She closed the door and went to sit on the sofa that only moments ago they'd occupied. She sat there for a long time, playing their meeting over and over in her mind. He'd been so shy when he'd presented her with the rose. It was such an unusual thing for him to do and she'd loved it. But then, once again, when it came to talking about the issues that were between them, Martin had been silent. Yes, he had apologised for not talking to her about James' inoculation but that wasn't the only thing that needed talking about. And she'd wanted so desperately for him to tell her that he loved her, that everything was going to be alright, and when he didn't she got angry and resentful.

When he'd come to her and put his hand out to touch her and she'd jerked away from him, it wasn't because she couldn't bear his touch - it was because she wanted him so much that she wouldn't have been able to control herself. She would have flung her arms around his neck and kissed him as if her life depended on it - because that's the effect he always had on her.

She'd done it before, in the taxi on the way back from the hospital after he had saved Peter Cronk's life. Every pore in her body had been alive to him sitting so close to her, and when his hand had finally touched hers, she had thrown her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately and he hadn't held back.

She'd also done the same thing after he had taken her hand in his when they were walking back to the car after the concert in the park. His touch had such an intoxicating effect on her that she'd pulled him into an arbour beside the path and kissed him. And it had felt so good. Of course he'd thoroughly spoiled both occasions but it didn't detract from the physical attraction they had for one another. It was a powerful thing.

And today was no exception. She wanted to be in his arms, to feel his lips on hers and it would have been so easy to just follow where that led. If he'd touched her in anyway, she would have given in and they would have made love, but nothing would have been resolved. They would continue going round in circles, just as they always did.

She knew she shouldn't have reacted like that. He'd looked so hurt and she knew she had to let him know the real reason she had reacted that way. No matter how angry she was with him, she couldn't bear it that he thought she found his touch abhorrent - anything but.

She looked around for her mobile phone, eventually finding it under some papers on the kitchen table and dialled his number. It went straight to voicemail. She disconnected without leaving a message. She dialled the surgery number and the answering machine picked up the call with a message telling callers to phone a number in Wadebridge.

She couldn't risk taking James out to go up to the surgery because the weather had closed in and it had started to rain quite heavily. She felt helpless and a little panicked. She tried his mobile again and it was still going to voicemail. Maybe he would phone back when he saw her missed calls.

James began to stir and she went up to him. "Hello darling." She picked him up. His little cheeks were rosy from sleep and he hid his face in her neck. As Louisa turned she noticed something white on the floor. She bent to pick it up and realised it was Martin's handkerchief. It was still wet. Louisa closed her eyes and remembered how red Martin's eyes had been when he left. She held James against her body and rocked him as she began to sob. Oh God...what had she done?

**ooooOOOOoooo**

Louisa turned the car into the narrow lane leading to Havenhurst Farm. She hoped Ruth would be there and wouldn't mind her unexpected visit. She'd left James Henry with Janice for a few hours while she did some shopping and it was while she was at the Co-Op that the idea had come to her. She had to speak to Ruth about Martin. She didn't know what else to do.

She'd tried calling Martin again the previous evening and eventually he'd answered with his usual curt 'Ellingham'. When he heard her voice he'd asked abruptly if anything was wrong; if she or James needed medical assistance. When she'd said no but she would really like to talk to him and would he mind coming to her cottage as it was a bit late to take James out? He'd said no, he was too busy and disconnected the call.

Now as a final resort she was on her way to see his Aunt. She didn't always see eye to eye with Ruth but she conceded that, like Martin, she could always be relied on to speak the truth, even when it was hurtful or embarrassing.

She pulled the car to a stop next to the barn and got out. It was a beautiful day with not a breath of wind. In the distance the sea looked deep blue and flat after the rain they'd had the day before. It was a spectacular view.

"Louisa…this is a pleasant surprise." Ruth had come from the barn carrying a small box. She looked at the little red car. "Didn't know you had acquired a car."

"It's not mine. It's Pippa's. I needed to drive out here so…"

Louisa seldom came to the farm and never on her own. Ruth was intrigued. "Everything alright?"

"Yes everything is...fine." Louisa gnawed at her bottom lip, a sure sign that she was stressed. "Umm…have you got a moment? I'd like to chat about something."

"I was just about to make a cup of coffee. Join me?"

Louisa nodded and they made their way into the kitchen. Ruth had made some big changes and the place looked more functional and homey. "You've done a fantastic job here Ruth…it looks lovely."

"Well it certainly needed it," Ruth said as she prepared the espresso machine and set everything out. As the machine hummed and poured its contents into the little cups, Ruth turned to face Louisa. "So…what's on your mind that's brought you all the way out here? You look a little tense."

"Do I?" Louisa sounded defensive.

Ruth gave her one of her frank stares as she set the cups on the table and indicated that Louisa should sit. "Come on...out with it."

_God, she was so much like Martin – so forthright._ "Umm…I wanted to talk to you about Martin."

"Ahhh…," Ruth nodded slowly as she sipped the dark, strong coffee. "I thought so. Has he done something outrageous again?"

Louisa bit her tongue. It was alright when she criticised Martin but she still got defensive of him when anyone else did.

Ruth waited. She could see Louisa struggling to find a way to begin.

"We're living apart again…since last weekend," she said eventually.

"Yes…so I've heard."

Louisa looked put out. "Where did you hear it?"

"The village telegraph. It's very efficient, as you know," Ruth said. "I take it that Martin has somehow managed to upset the domestic apple cart again?"

Louisa nodded and chewed her lip even more. "I got angry with him...because he…because..." She took a deep breath. "Martin just doesn't seem to realise that both of us are James' parents. That anything concerning James should be discussed between us…"

Ruth nodded. "I see...so Martin tries to take control?"

Louisa frowned, "Well no...not really...he just does things without thinking to tell me."

"Such as?"

"Well...a little while ago he arranged James' christening ceremony without telling me. He even told _you _before he told me. And now he's given James his vaccinations and the first I knew of it was when Martin said I wasn't to worry if James was a bit 'off' for a day or so...I mean how was I supposed to take that?" Louisa looked petulant. "He could have just _told _me he was going to do it."

Ruth drained the last of her coffee and put the little cup back in its saucer. "Were you opposed to the christening or the vaccination?"

Louisa pursed her lips. "That's not the point, is it? He should have discussed it with me."

Ruth nodded. "So the real issue is that you felt left out."

Louisa looked as if this was the first time she'd thought of that. "Yes...I suppose so. But it's not just that Ruth. He doesn't communicate at the best of times and when he does he sometimes comes across as being superior." She looked down.

"How so?"

"I can't really explain." She thought for a moment. "For instance, he refused to let James have a dummy a while ago because, in his medical opinion, it would do awful things to his teeth and ears and God knows what. James wouldn't stop crying - it was only meant to be a temporary measure. But noooo. His medical opinion is the only thing that counts." She gave a derisive sniff and picked at a grain of sugar on the table top.

"And when it comes to food, he prefers to do all the cooking because, as he puts it, it has to be nutritious and healthy, as if I am not capable of making anything that comes up to his standards."

Louisa traced her finger around a knot in the wooden table.

"He won't participate in anything - like at the school. He finds it tedious. I'm headmistress, for goodness sake, and I have to drag him to the occasional function kicking and screaming. Why? Why can't he just do things when I ask him? Why can't he make an effort...for me?" She shook her head sadly. "Why can't he just show some…some...?" She huffed out a breath and leaned back in her chair.

Ruth waited. She knew Louisa was getting close to verbalising what the real issue was.

"He won't let me in Ruth."

And there it was, thought Ruth.

"I can't seem to get through to him. Whenever I try and get close to him or try and draw him out, he clams up and pushes me away…emotionally speaking. And I want to be let in...I want to get close to him. I want to know that I matter to him but he never gives me any indication..." She looked at her hands folded in her lap. "I don't know what to do anymore Ruth."

Ruth sighed inwardly. _I don't know what to do anymore._ She had heard those exact words from Martin's lips only yesterday. She marvelled at how two people who clearly loved one another so much could end up in this place of utter despair. So she asked Louisa the same question she'd asked Martin. "What do you really want Louisa?"

Without hesitation she said, "I want Martin to be happy, so that he can open up and _be_ with us - as a husband and father." She looked up at Ruth and her eyes were bright with tears.

So they both wanted the same thing and yet neither of them could get to the point where they could speak about it or act on their feelings. Both were hoping the other would make the first move.

"Is Martin not being a husband and father now?"

Louisa frowned. "He is…sort of. I mean he does everything for James without me asking and he's considerate and more than accommodating when it comes to us living together and that sort of thing…but…he's emotionally so closed off." She ran her finger around the rim of her cup. "With James he's different. He talks to him when he doesn't think I can hear. He is so gentle and he cuddles him and whispers to him." Her face reflected her sadness. "He can't seem to be like that with me. With me he's guarded, like there's a part of him that he's not willing to share...with me."

Ruth looked at Louisa's dejected face. It must be difficult for her to watch her husband being affectionate and loving towards their son when he couldn't bring himself to spontaneously be the same with her.

"Don't you think that everyone has a part of themselves that they are not willing to share?"

"Yes I suppose so…but with Martin it's as if he can't express his feelings, even in the privacy of our home…when it's just me and James there." She fiddled with her cup. "When he talks to me it's like he's talking to one of his patients instead of to his wife." She took a sip of her coffee. "And then he goes and makes decisions about our lives without talking to me first – as if my opinion doesn't count, or I am incapable of having an opinion at all."

Louisa told Ruth what had happened between her and Martin the day before at her cottage. Ruth pursed her lips and gave an audible sigh as her heart sank. It must have taken all Martin's courage to go to Louisa with the rose and tell her he was sorry. And then to have Louisa react to his touch like that must have devastated him. He had left her house earlier that day with his emotions in a very raw state and this must have hurt him very much – and probably chased him into that 'safe' place behind his walls again.

Ruth looked across the table at Louisa's distraught face. She obviously loved Martin but their relationship was undermined by their insecurities. Louisa had no way of knowing how to deal with Martin's armour of detachment. And Martin had no idea how to deal with the part of Louisa that needed constant reassurance.

If anything was to come of this complex and fragile relationship it had to come from a place of understanding. It was time for Louisa to hear a few stark and disturbing revelations.

**ooooOOOOoooo**


	4. Chapter 4

During her long career as a forensic psychiatrist, Ruth had never had a problem detaching herself emotionally from her patients. She would observe and assess every one of them in a clinical, scientific way, precisely in the manner she'd been trained to do. But with Martin and Louisa this was not possible. She loved them both and she had formed a very special bond with Martin in particular. So it saddened her to see their relationship falling apart because neither of them could express themselves properly to one another.

She observed Louisa fidgeting with the cup in front of her, her eyes downcast. That she loved Martin was quite evident but her expectations of him were causing them both unnecessary grief. And it wasn't that Louisa was being unreasonable. She just had no idea why Martin was so distant and at times, seemingly clueless about what was going on around him. And so, from the perspective of her own insecurities, Louisa deduced that Martin didn't really want to be with her and his silence just proved it. Ruth knew that if she really wanted their relationship to work, Louisa had to see her husband through different eyes.

Ruth fixed Louisa with a direct stare. "I take it you know something about Martin's upbringing?"

Louisa nodded. "A bit. That he was sent to boarding school at a very young age. That he was sometimes beaten by his father or locked in a cupboard under the stairs. _Absolutely _unforgivable behaviour on his parents' part." She shook her head. "Martin always makes light of it…says it hasn't done him any harm. I have always differed with him on that point."

Ruth nodded. "Yes…but you see Louisa, there's a lot more that Martin _hasn't_ told you."

Louisa's eyes widened. "More?"

"_Much_ more."

Ruth's eyes narrowed slightly as she weighed up whether she should tell Louisa all of what that 'more' was and, more importantly, whether Louisa could handle it. She finally decided that if Louisa was to understand her husband and if she wanted reconciliation, she would have to know what made him tick. She took a deep breath and took the plunge.

"Martin's parents were without doubt the most dysfunctional pair ever to become parents. In my opinion they should never have had a child at all, but that's all water under the bridge now. When Margaret fell pregnant with Martin, she was devastated and I am sure she wanted to terminate the pregnancy but Christopher would have none of it. He needed an heir; someone to parade around as proof of his manliness." Ruth snorted with contempt.

Louisa looked shocked but didn't speak as Ruth continued.

"When Martin was born Margaret wanted nothing to do with him. Instead she arranged for a series of nannies to look after him. Needless to say that with Margaret around, none of them stayed very long, so Martin never had anyone stable in his young life. His mother was always out socialising - his father was always working." The way she said it implied something else entirely.

Ruth picked up a teaspoon and began to smooth the sugar in the bowl in front of her, her expression thoughtful.

"During those early years Martin was completely isolated from anyone of his own age – he was allowed no friends. When he was six years old he was finally packed off to boarding school and his parents breathed a sigh of relief."

Ruth pursed her lips. "I was away at that time in Martin's life - up north at a major high-security psychiatric facility, so I had very little contact with my brother's family. But I remember going to visit when Martin was about four years old and was quite charmed by the bright and inquisitive little boy. He could already read quite well and was insatiable with his questions about everything in sight. But instead of his parents being proud and delighted with their bright son, they would shush him and banish him to his room once he had been paraded in front of visitors."

Ruth looked deep in thought as she patted the sugar in the bowl.

"The next time I saw Martin was just before he was sent to boarding school. He was six years old and I hardly recognized him as the same boy. The light had gone from his eyes. There were no more smiles; there was no eye contact at all and no more questions. It was as if his personality had been snuffed out. You see, Martin had already started building his walls."

Ruth looked at Louisa's stricken face. As a teacher she dealt with children of this age every day and it would be almost impossible for her to imagine how any parent could treat their own child like that.

"Over the next twelve years at boarding school," Ruth continued, "Martin was subjected to the traditional behaviour prevalent at that very British of institutions: the Public School. He'd had no significant social interaction with other children prior to going there, so from the start he didn't fit in. He was quiet and withdrawn, so he became a target. He was unmercifully bullied. A situation exacerbated by his bedwetting. Can you imagine how the other boys loved that!"

Louisa looked appalled. She obviously did not know any of this.

"I won't go into detail, but some of the bullying was so cruel it is a wonder that Martin ever survived his schooling. His only escape was in his books. He would hide in the library and read for as long as he could so that he didn't have to interact with the other boys until it was time to go to bed or to use the communal bathrooms. There he was subjected to unrelenting teasing and physical intimidation from the older boys. He was no match for any of them and every day he just had to take it until they lost interest."

Louisa's eyes filled with tears and her hand covered her quivering mouth.

"What Martin lacked in physical strength he more than made up for with his intellect. On that front there was no-one who came even close. But that too made him a target of ridicule and more bullying. His exceptional intelligence and, in my opinion, his ability to withdraw into some sort of safe inner space, were the only things that kept him from cracking.

As he grew older, he grew taller and stronger and eventually towards the end of his schooling the other boys would largely leave him be. But the damage had been done. Martin had built his walls so high that no-one could get through. He distanced himself from others completely."

Ruth nodded her head thoughtfully.

"His academic record at the school is still unsurpassed. Every top medical school was clamouring to have him as a student. He left school with a good education and the manners of a gentleman - but at what price?"

Louisa searched for a tissue in her handbag, then dabbed at her eyes. She looked devastated.

"At medical school Martin excelled. He was the most brilliant student they'd had in decades and, I am happy to say, he eclipsed his own father."

Ruth's mouth curved into a lopsided smile.

"It was the talk of the college. And Christopher didn't like it one bit…belittled the poor boy whenever he got the chance. But Martin didn't need his father's approval any longer. He'd become a man. He'd also become a brilliant doctor and the youngest senior registrar at St Mary's, once again soundly upstaging his father."

Ruth chuckled outright. She looked so proud.

"But there was a downside. Martin kept everyone around him at arm's length. No-one could get close to him and he became known for his monumental impatience and his abrupt and rude manner. Some of his peers, and definitely those coming up the ranks, were either in awe of him or were afraid of him."

She looked thoughtful, "And now, having developed haemophobia, his life has changed drastically. He had a brilliant career as a surgeon. A career, I might add, where he had attained an unsurpassed reputation, and which he loved very much. Then he had to give it all up and retrain as a GP, because that was the only way he could continue to practice medicine and, to his credit, he has thrown himself into it with unwavering dedication and commitment. It was a massive adjustment for him and I am _very _proud of what he has achieved."

She paused and added, "Just so you know, the account of Martin's horrific experiences at boarding school didn't come from him. He has _never_ spoken about it, even to me. But some years ago I met someone, also a psychiatrist, who had been at school with Martin…perhaps a year or so ahead of him. He recognized my surname and asked if I was related to Martin. He then told me the whole sordid story and admitted that he was ashamed that he had never intervened or done anything to help the poor boy. As a psychiatrist, he now knows the terrible damage that had been inflicted on Martin and thought about it often over the years with deep regret."

Ruth looked directly at Louisa now.

"So you see Louisa…your husband has a damaged soul and his way of defending himself has been to detach himself emotionally - if he doesn't let people get close to him, he can avoid getting rejected or hurt. He has never had cause to trust anyone. His parents' abominable behaviour resulted in feelings of severe poor self-worth. Martin, at his very core, doesn't believe he deserves anything good in his life. How could he when even his own parents didn't want him around?"

She looked pointedly at Louisa.

"And deep down, he doesn't believe that _you_ could love him and want to be with him. It just doesn't make sense to him. Every time he lets himself start believing it, he waits for the axe to fall. And for him, it has fallen a number of times, hasn't it?"

Louisa covered her mouth with her hand as she tried to stifle her sobs. Ruth knew she had to push on so that Louisa would understand Martin once and for all, and hopefully adjust her behaviour to meet his needs and ultimately her own as well.

"The only thing that has never let Martin down," she continued, "is medicine. There he is in control - he is unsurpassed in his knowledge. It is the one thing he knows he is respected for and it is to medicine he retreats when he feels insecure or threatened."

The tears were streaming down Louisa's cheeks now.

"Oh Ruth…how did he survive all of that and still be the wonderful man he is?"

She sobbed, unable to speak for a few moments. Ruth couldn't answer that question but she was glad that Louisa had recognized this quality in Martin.

Louisa knew Martin to be a complex person. What she hadn't realised though, was just how much courage it had taken for him to declare his love for her and to put himself in a position where he could have been rejected or ridiculed. Opening himself up on a physical level too must have been so hard for him and yet he was the most tender, considerate and attentive lover. And now, she had made him feel as if she couldn't bear his touch.

"What can I do Ruth? How can I get behind that wall to where the vulnerable Martin is? I want to show him that he is loved beyond measure."

Ruth knew that what she was about to say to Louisa was going to be hard for her to hear, but it had to be said if any good was going to come of their discussion.

"Louisa, I know you have also had a difficult upbringing."

Louisa's eyes widened and Ruth said wryly, "The village telegraph again."

"I see…"

"You were let down by both your parents and had to fend for yourself for much of your adolescence. So it's not surprising to me that you have issues with commitment and trust."

"I wouldn't say that exactly," said Louisa, her tone defensive again. "Why do you say that?"

"Well for a start, you were 33 years old and single when you first met Martin – 37 before you agreed to marry him. Can you honestly tell me that a beautiful, intelligent woman such as yourself didn't have men throwing themselves at her? So, my reasoning is that none of them came up to snuff – none of them could convince you that they were to be trusted and therefore you couldn't commit. So what made Martin different?"

Louisa's face softened as she thought about it. "I don't know exactly…Martin just always seemed so confident and in charge…so dependable. He seemed to know exactly who he was and didn't seem to care what people thought of him. He stood out as being his own person."

Louisa thought for a moment.

"Most of all, I think it's Martin's integrity I was drawn to – he always speaks the truth no matter what the consequences. And I suppose underneath all of that, I sensed a lonely man. Behind that perfectly groomed and authoritative appearance was a vulnerable man...I was just hooked." She smiled and her eyes were soft. "I love him so, so much Ruth," and the tears welled up again.

Ruth waited a few moments.

"Louisa…do you think Martin would ever leave you?"

She looked confused. "No…I don't think so." She thought about it again, then said emphatically, "no, I don't think he would actually."

"Then why do you keep on doing it to him?"

Louisa opened her mouth but no words came. She was completely taken aback by the question.

"I haven't exactly…_left_ him…we're separated actually…just until…" She shook her head, "I don't know Ruth…he seems so distant and I think it's my fault that he's so unhappy. That he wishes he'd never gotten involved with me." She thought a moment. "And maybe I just want him to prove how much he loves me by coming after me - by taking the initiative…I don't know." She bent her head, twisting her hands in her lap, "I can't take it when he so distant. I can't Ruth. I just can't."

Ruth pursed her lips. "Leaving him every time things get tough doesn't help matters though, does it? And I think you do it because this is your defense mechanism."

Louisa shook her head skeptically as Ruth went on.

"You leave before others can leave you. Even though, deep down, you know Martin would never do that to you. By leaving first, you feel in control of the situation - you run before you can get hurt."

Louisa looked stunned. The idea had obviously never occurred to her. She didn't see herself as a runner. Was she?

Ruth fiddled with the sugar spoon again.

"Louisa, Martin has great difficulty articulating things at the best of times, especially when it comes to his emotions. I have no doubt that in his mind he tells you all the time that he loves you but the words are difficult for him to say. Does he show you in other ways how he feels about you?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean physically. Is he distant and cold as well?"

Louisa looked uncomfortable with the line of questioning. She shook her head, her face flushing slightly.

"No…not at all. Although he hardly ever…umm…initiates things. But when we do...umm...he gives a hundred percent of himself and is so passionate. No Ruth…he's not distant or cold when we...umm..." Her blush deepened.

Ruth ignored her obvious embarrassment.

"Think about that for a minute, Louisa - that Martin might be able to communicate his love and commitment to you better when he has no need of words. He often does this by being over-protective of you and James when it comes to health issues. because it's the only way he can show he cares without coming out and actually saying so. When it comes to intimacy, Martin probably doesn't initiate things because subconsciously he fears rejection and that is _exactly _what has happened now."

Ruth leaned in and her voice was soft but firm.

"Martin is not good at interpreting undercurrents in a situation. He thinks in very literal terms. If you want something from him you have to tell him _exactly_ what you want. He can't pick up on hints and the subtle nuances in word play. It confuses him. Help him Louisa. Don't force him to play games he doesn't understand. When he doesn't get what you are saying immediately, don't get upset – just _tell _him what you want."

Ruth stood up, taking her cup to the sink.

"And another thing…you've got to _show_ him that you care about him – even when you've been upset with him, just like you would if it was James that had upset you. You wouldn't let James go to bed feeling that you were still angry with him, would you?"

Louisa's eyes were wide as she shook her head.

"Neither should you with Martin. By all means let him know that you are upset but don't cut him out. You don't like it when he does that to you, do you?"

Louisa looked shocked. She didn't do that...did she?

"Show him affection and I don't mean by dragging him upstairs every five minutes."

Louisa blushed to the roots of her hair. Ruth ignored it and went on.

"It _will_ eventually sink in that you love him for who he is – all of him, even when you've been upset with him. And eventually he will come to believe that he deserves to be loved by you. It's a form of positive reinforcement Louisa, and _you _must take the lead here."

Ruth slid her hands into the pockets of her jacket and leaned back against the countertop.

"Martin has been rejected and made to feel unworthy his whole life and every time the pair of you have hit a wobble in your relationship, you've left him and taken his son with you. It just reinforces his feelings of not being good enough, Louisa and you must _stop_ doing that if you want this relationship to work."

She leaned forward slightly as she tried to make eye contact with Louisa.

"How would you like it if, every time you had a disagreement, Martin packed a bag and moved out? What would you think? That you weren't worth sticking around for? Because I can tell you now, that's _exactly _how Martin interprets it. That he is not good enough for you - that he can never make you happy."

Ruth paused and watched as Louisa dabbed her eyes with a tissue. She looked completely dumbstruck.

"Love him Louisa...love him with everything you've got and show that love to him every day, even if at first he doesn't respond. He will eventually find a way to do so. _Make_ him feel good enough – only you have that power."

Louisa sat there, devastated by what Ruth had just said. It hurt to hear the truth - that _she_ had cut Martin out. That _she _had been the one to abandon him. That she was doing to him exactly what her mother had done to her, by choosing a life in Spain over her; what her father had done by choosing a life of lies and gambling and deceit, over her; what Danny had done by choosing his career over her. They'd all withdrawn their love from her in one way or another and subconsciously that's exactly how she was punishing Martin. And the realisation shattered her.

"Oh Ruth." She covered her face with her hands and sobbed until there were no more tears to cry.

**ooooOOOOoooo**


	5. Chapter 5

When Louisa got home from Ruth's, she didn't fetch James Henry straight away. Instead she ran a bath brimming with bubbles and sank into it, as if by lying there she could wash away the overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt that forced the tears to flow again and again.

Ruth's words came at her like a runaway truck, slamming into her heart and making her sob all over again, _Every time you've hit a wobble in your relationship, you've left him and taken his son with you._ Her lips trembled again. _Do you think Martin would ever leave you? _ Louisa knew without a doubt Martin would never do that. But why had she done it to him? Was Ruth's reading of her correct? Did she leave every time she felt Martin slipping away from her because she subconsciously feared he would leave first?

Her thoughts drifted back to the time her mother had left home, supposedly to go on holiday with friends. Two weeks turned into two months and then into six but her father had made light of it. "Your Mum is having a little break. She'll be home soon enough, so don't go worrying your pretty head about anything." But she hadn't come home. Instead she'd met someone there in sunny Spain and broke the news in a postcard that she wouldn't be coming back. You can come over for a holiday anytime, she'd said. Louisa had been devastated. In her mind, she hadn't been important enough to her mother - she'd chosen someone else over her own daughter. Louisa had been twelve and it felt like her world had fallen apart.

Her father had stayed but she had no doubt in her mind that his trips to the race course to bet on the horses or his evenings in the pub took precedence over her. She was often left alone for days at a time and soon learned not to rely on him for anything. There was never any money - not that it stopped her father from playing the horses. Her teen years were some of the loneliest of her life. If it weren't for some of the villagers, like Aunty Joan, bringing her produce from the farm or a cooked meal from time to time, Louisa would have lived on toast and whatever could be put on it.

And then the ultimate catastrophe had occurred when her father had been accused of stealing money collected for the Lifeboat Station. He'd hotly denied it, but had eventually told her that he had to leave the village for a while 'just until things calmed down a bit'. She'd been old enough to look after herself while he was gone, as long as he paid the rent. But he too had never come back. She hadn't been important enough to him either.

During that time she'd become fiercely independent and her years of studying in London had made her even more so. She'd established herself as a good teacher, and after some years she'd come back to Portwenn. And she'd met Martin.

From the start there had been sparks between them. She'd been fascinated by his confident, suave and enigmatic manner and there'd been a powerful physical attraction which, as time went on, Martin seemed unable to act on. But she had.

She smiled as she remembered the day they were driving back from Truro Hospital in a taxi and she'd kissed him with all the pent up passion she felt for him and he had surprised her with a deeply sensuous response. So he wasn't incapable of physical passion, he was just afraid of showing emotional vulnerability, an aspect of his make-up that had been present throughout their rocky relationship and still threatened to derail everything from time to time.

She'd always attributed the cause of the breakdown in their relationship to Martin's inability to meet her emotional needs in one way or another. He didn't seem to notice even the most basic cues. And she needed him to. She was frustrated by his remoteness and he drove her crazy when he turned everything into an on-the-spot medical diagnosis or lecture. But she realised now that that was just who he was; he did it to everyone. _It is to medicine he retreats when he feels insecure or threatened._

Ruth had made her realise that subconsciously she was interpreting Martin's detachment as a form of abandonment. Was it though? She knew that if she was in need and called Martin now, he would drop everything and come to her. Well maybe not right now, he was understandably upset and humiliated. But she wanted to set him straight on that score.

She dressed in a soft, pale green floral dress and a white cardigan, tying her hair in a high ponytail. Her tears had left her eyes looking a little puffy and she hoped a touch of makeup would hide it. When she was ready she'd go to the surgery and she would talk to Martin and tell him how much she loved him and she'd ask if she and James could come back. They'd find a way forward. They had to.

Feeling a bit better, she put on her coat and went by Janice's to fetch James. He had been fed and bathed and she could have kissed Janice. Then with James tucked up warmly in his pram, she began the steep walk up Roscarrock Hill to the surgery.

Martin's car was not in the off-street parking bay when she approached and she hoped he wouldn't be long, wherever he was. She went round the side of the house and knocked on the kitchen door, just in case he was there. There was no answer, so she tried the door and it opened. Inside, as she would have expected, the kitchen was tidy – not a thing out of place, only an espresso cup and saucer in the draining rack to show that he'd been in the kitchen at all.

James seemed to recognize where he was and began to fidget, twisting his little head back and forth, looking for his daddy. Louisa picked him up, cuddling him against her shoulder as she walked into the sitting room. "Daddy will be home soon darling."

Martin's medical journals were piled neatly on the coffee table. She smiled and bent to touch them, then gave herself a mental shake. "_Stop acting like a lovesick schoolgirl!"_

Back in the kitchen she settled James in his pram and gave him a bottle. It was after six and Martin would probably want his supper as soon as he came in. She got up and went to inspect the contents of the fridge, quickly assessing what ingredients she could use to concoct a simple meal for him. She could make a decent salad with what she found and there was some leftover grilled chicken. That would do.

She set the table then, taking the pram, went back into the sitting room. When she was sure that James was nice and cosy under his blankets, she flopped onto the couch, resting her head against the back of it. Her tears had made her sleepy and predictably, her eyelids began to droop.

**ooooOOOOoooo**

Martin pulled his Lexus into the parking space next to the surgery. It was just on 8 pm and he was exhausted. Apart from having had almost no sleep the night before, he'd had a full day of consultations and then a stressful and physically taxing rescue situation on the outskirts of the village. His proximity to the scene had meant that he was the first medic to arrive at the place where a head-on collision had occurred in one of the narrow lanes. There'd been five victims. Two were beyond help and died before he could do anything for them. The others were a woman, probably in her thirties, a girl of about four or five and a male in his fifties. All were critical.

Penhale had been there too but instead of being his usual bumbling self, he'd surprised Martin and actually listened to what he'd been asked to do and then carried it out flawlessly. Within forty minutes the air ambulance had arrived and the most serious of the victims were airlifted to Truro Hospital.

Martin had been about to get up from where he'd been kneeling next to the woman he was attending to. She'd been trying to speak so Martin leaned forward to tell her to rest but she lifted her hand and took hold of his arm in a surprisingly strong grip.

"My baby…my…baby," she whispered.

He spoke clearly and firmly, "Your...baby...is going to be alright. She has been airlifted to Truro Hospital. You can see her soon."

"No…nooooo," she moaned, "my baby…my son…"

Her son? The child that had been airlifted had been female. Martin jumped to his feet. "Penhale!...Pen-_hale_!"

The policeman came running up, "Yes Doc?"

"Penhale, I think a baby might have been flung from this car," he said pointing at the car nearest to them. "The woman has been asking for her baby son. We've got to find him."

"Right you are Doc," he said and turned his powerful flashlight towards the grassy verge. Soon everyone who could be spared was searching and after about five minutes a shout went up. "Here Doc…over here!"

Martin ran as fast as he could a little way down the lane and into a ditch. The baby had been found still strapped into a well padded carry cot and at first glance didn't appear to have a mark on him but Martin knew that that could be deceiving. He knelt in the muddy grass and put his fingers on the baby's neck. At first he felt nothing. '_Oh…please no'. _He shifted his fingers slightly, searching for a pulse…and there it was, regular and reasonably strong. '_Thank God'_.

The baby was warm and breathing but drowsy, but whether that was from exhaustion or something else was impossible to tell. His cries had probably gone unnoticed with the noise of the rescue operation all around. Martin decided to leave the child in the carry cot rather than move him, as he could not ascertain if any internal injuries were present.

He watched as the medics took the baby to the waiting ambulance, then he turned away, his shoulders slumped as he looked at the carnage in the lane. Two people would never be going home again. In a split second, two families had been torn apart and nothing would ever be the same again.

He thought of James and Louisa and his heart constricted in his chest. A wave of panic washed over him as he envisioned a life without them. The thought was unbearable. His only consolation as he looked at the mangled cars under the emergency floodlights in the narrow lane was that they weren't gone forever - unlike the father of the young family or the wife of the man in the other car. Their loved ones would never see them again. He closed his eyes for a moment. Oh God.

A nasal voice jolted him out of his dark thoughts.

"Alright there, Doc?"

He looked up to see Penhale peering at him quizzically.

"Yes…"

The policeman hitched his duty belt a little higher on his hips and looked around. "Bit of a mess eh Doc? Goes to show...you never know when your number's up."

Martin gave a deep sigh. The last thing he needed was Penhale's brand of conversation. "I'm done here." He started to walk away then stopped and turned, the flashing lights from the emergency vehicles reflecting on his face. "Ah...thank you Penhale."

The policeman smiled broadly. "Say no more Doc...the Dynamic Duo in action, eh?"

_Oh God…_

Martin shook his head groggily and realized he was still sitting in his car outside the surgery. He'd been in a kind of exhausted stupor. He dreaded going into the dark, quiet house but he dragged his tired body out of the car, leaned in to get his medical bag and closed the door. All he wanted now was a hot shower and bed...but more than anything, what he really wanted, was to know that his family was safe inside, waiting for him. But that wasn't to be.

He gave a deep sigh and trudged slowly around the side of the house.

**ooooOOOOoooo**


	6. Chapter 6

It was dark when Louisa awoke. She squinted at her watch in the dim light and was shocked to see it was almost 8 pm. James was still fast asleep in his pram, so she went into the kitchen, switching on lights as she went.

She was just contemplating making a cup of tea when she heard a car and knew it must be Martin - there were very few cars using Roscarrock Hill at that time of night. She quickly got the salad out of the fridge and put the bread on the table ready for him to help himself. But she needn't have rushed because it was quite some time before she heard the car door slam and his slow footsteps coming around the side of the house.

The kitchen door opened and she gasped at the sight of him. He looked terrible. His suit was stained with blood and mud and his usually impeccably knotted tie was askew. But it was his face and his posture that shocked her the most - he looked haggard and his shoulders weren't quite as square as they usually were.

"Martin? Are you alright?"

He was startled by her presence and froze in the doorway, immediately trying to assess if she was hurt or sick. Only when he was satisfied that she was neither, did he shut the door.

"Fine…yes I'm fine. It's not my blood. There was a car accident," his voice sounded subdued.

"Oh no, that's terrible."

"Mmm…" He continued to stare at her but didn't move. "What are you doing here? Is James alright?"

"Yes...he's fine." She pointed to the sitting room. "He's asleep in there."

Martin glanced towards the darkened room, then down at his ruined suit and muddied shoes. It was as if he didn't know what to do next.

"You looked absolutely shattered, Martin. Why don't you go upstairs and have a hot shower…freshen up a bit...mmm? I'm sure you'll feel much better for it."

He looked up at her but still didn't move and his mouth opened then closed again.

"Martin?"

"Ah…yes…yes." He moved slowly towards the passage door, then turned to face her again. "Umm…will you...?"

"I'll still be here." She pointed to the table she'd set. "And when you come back, there'll be something for you to eat…if you're up to it." She nodded encouragingly.

He grunted and ducked his head under the door frame. She watched him put his medical bag just inside the door of his consulting room then he went upstairs and it wasn't long before she heard the faint sound of the shower.

Louisa was more than a little worried about Martin. Even in the past, when he'd been called to cases that were just as traumatic, she had never seen him so dejected. She hoped that the shower and a light meal would lift his spirits a little.

A short while later she heard him coming down the stairs and he entered through the sitting room doorway and stopped next to the pram. He bent and put the back of his fingers on James' forehead, the way he always did. He'd changed his clothes and Louisa smiled inwardly, because instead of wearing something more comfortable, he had put on a clean suit and tie even though he would be going to bed in a short while.

"Would you like something to eat now?"

He straightened and turned towards her. "No…no…thank you."

"Ok...I'm going to make tea if you'd like some," she said, walking towards the kitchen.

"Yes...that would be good." He came to stand next to the kitchen table, his hands resting lightly on the back of a chair.

Louisa glanced at him. "Why don't you sit down Martin, you look exhausted."

She filled the kettle and switched it on. He was still standing beside the table looking at her hen she turned to face him, his eyes sad and so very tired.

"Why are you here?" His voice was soft.

"Umm...because I wanted to talk to you. But it can wait...you're far too tired."

"I thought you'd said all you wanted to say yesterday."

"No...I umm…I actually wanted to explain something."

"Explain?"

"Yes...about what happened yesterday..."

His face looked drawn in the soft light. He gripped the back of the chair until his knuckles showed white.

"No need to explain...everything was quite clear to me."

Louisa shook her head. "No...it does need explaining." She took a step closer. "Umm...when you touched me yesterday and I pulled away...it isn't for the reason you think."

Martin's face remained impassive.

"It was only when you left, I realised that you must have thought I...that I couldn't stand you touching me…"

"Mmm..."

Louisa came around the kitchen table to stand nearer to him, her expression anxious. "It wasn't because of that Martin. _Anything _but."

Martin stared down at her, his gaze unwavering. By the frown that deepened the furrow between his brows, Louisa could tell he was confused. "I'm not putting this across very well, am I?"

"Not really...no."

"I pulled away because…" Louisa's voice dropped to a murmur, "I would _very _much have liked you to touch me. But I was so upset with you and if I'd allowed myself to forget that I was upset...and we'd...you know?...we wouldn't have resolved anything. That's why I pulled away. I couldn't trust myself not to give in to you."

"I see." he said with an upward lift of his chin.

"I just wanted to tell you...I'm sorry I did that...and to explain the reason why I did it."

Martin searched her face, looking for any sign that this was just a platitude, a way of soothing troubled waters. He didn't want that. He gave a soft sigh.

"Whatever the reason Louisa...it doesn't really make any difference to our situation though, does it?" He swallowed hard. "The issues are still there."

"Yes...but they don't have to be. We can talk about things…can't we?" She nodded encouragingly. "I'd like that…"

"Mmm...so would I." His voice was soft and his eyes looked infinitely sad. "Because I don't think I can do this anymore. This...on off thing."

Louisa's face reflected her own sadness. "I know...me neither. I just want you to know, I've been wrong to leave Martin. And I won't do it again...I mean, that's if you'll have me back this time?"

Martin's eyes were intense as he stared down at her. He would always want her back. Every time she left with James it felt like a piece of him was being ripped out.

"Is that what you want? To come back...here?" He couldn't bring himself to say 'to me'.

"Yes..."

He took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. "Mmm...I umm…"

"You what?"

He shook his head. "Oh...I'll probably just end up upsetting you again."

Louisa narrowed her eyes. "Why? What makes you say that?"

"Because, that's all I ever seem to do...is upset you."

"That's not true."

"It _is_ true Louisa. I never know where I stand with you...whether something I say or do is going to end up in you leaving again...with James."

"I've just told you I won't do that again."

Martin's expression was guarded. He wanted so much to believe her. He shook his head slightly. "I just can't go through this another time."

Louisa looked a little panicked. "So...what are you saying? That you _don't_ want to talk this through? What? What do you mean?"

He hesitated. "No...no...I'm just saying that if I say something that upsets you...when we talk things through...you'll just leave again and there is never anything I can do about it. I always seem to muck things up."

Louisa shook her head sadly. "Don't you even want to try, Martin? Do you want it to be over between us?"

Martin wished he could tell her that for him, it would never be over. He would always love her, whether they stayed together or not.

"No I don't want that. But I do want to know where I stand with you. Are you going to stay...or go? Because it seems clear to me that I can't make you happy...and that's why you don't stay...so..." He gave a deep sigh. "I'd rather you tell me now that you wish to end things once and for all. Don't let things drag on."

Louisa's eyes were bright with tears. "I don't want that, Martin. I really don't. But I can't seem to make you happy either. You never give me any sign that you are happy...to be with me."

Happiness was a word that came up over and over. He personally thought too much store was set by something that couldn't be quantified and was so subjective, but it seemed extraordinarily important to Louisa, so he said, "Is this really what everything is about? Happiness?"

Louisa frowned. "It's part of it...yes. I _want _you to be happy. Or what's the point…?"

"I am...umm...happy...to be with you." He cleared his throat softly.

"Well you never show it."

"I'm not exactly sure how I'm meant to..." He looked bewildered. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"_I_ don't know Martin...by at least _looking_ as if you like being in the same house as me, for a start."

Martin dipped his chin.

"I do like being in the same house as you. I just don't really express that kind of thing very well…as you've already pointed out. But I _am _err...happy. Well not now of course...things are pretty grim now. But generally...when you don't have issues…with me...I consider myself to be happy...with you..." His voice petered out as he looked at her from under his brows and a palpable tension flared between them as their eyes locked.

The kettle clicked off and the sudden silence seemed to magnify everything. Louisa was the first to look away as she slowly rubbed her hands together.

"I went to speak to Ruth today."

Martin's eyes widened.

"She made me see things about myself that I would never have known...and they are things I don't like about myself." She looked down at her hands. "It made me realise that I have not been very understanding of you Martin...and that's because I have been so wrapped up in my own insecurities…expecting you to read my mind...and of course that's just ridiculous..." Her voice trailed off.

Martin searched her face. She looked distraught and he wanted to take her in his arms, but he didn't want to presume that that was what she wanted.

"Louisa..."

She put her hand up, "No…let me finish." She looked up at him then and her eyes were soft. "I thought you were deliberately cutting yourself off from me…not talking, not sharing things with me, not showing me any spontaneous affection...because I thought that you probably wished you were somewhere else...rather than with me."

Martin shook his head. "No…that's not true."

"But it _felt _like it...and it took Ruth to make me realise that I have been programmed since childhood to expect everyone I love to withdraw their love from me sooner or later. So I subconsciously prepare myself for it. I saw your remoteness as a sign that you were preparing yourself to leave me."

Martin was about to speak, but Louisa held up her hand again.

"It's not a conscious thing...I didn't even realise I was doing it. But now that I know, I can see there's been a pattern...in our relationship. Ruth said I leave so that I feel in control of things...I leave before I can be left." She shook her head sadly. "Even though I know you would never do that."

Martin's eyes were soft as he gazed at her and when he spoke his voice had that velvety quality that always melted her inside.

"I would never leave you and James."

"I know..." She swallowed hard before she could continue. "I know...and I have to work hard to change the way I handle things between us in future. I'm going to try...but I can't do it on my own." She twisted her hands together, clearly agitated. "I want us to communicate better. To not keep things bottled up until they become major issues." She looked up at him. "I want you to tell me what's in your heart...to actually _say _it out loud and not just think it. And so will I. Do you think you can do that Martin?"

Martin blinked. "_In your heart!'_ The very idea terrified him but if it meant they could work things out he would have to overcome his fear. "Yes…yes...mmm." He cleared his throat and dipped his chin again.

He wanted so much to touch her, to reassure himself that things would be alright but he was hesitant. The last time he'd acted on his desire to touch her, she hadn't responded well. So he stood rooted to the spot and the tension grew between them as they stared at one another, each unsure how the other would respond if they reached out.

Louisa tilted her head. "_I_ can tell you something that's in my heart right now...about what happened yesterday." She had an almost wistful expression on her face. "Do you remember the second time we met? It was at your interview for the GP position in Portwenn. You stopped me in the hotel lobby and asked about my eye and you put your hand out and touched my cheek as you examined me...and it was as if the breath was sucked out of me. That's the effect you had on me...and you still do. So please don't _ever _think that I don't want you to touch me." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Because I do and I always will."

Martin's heart began to race as Louisa stepped forward and took his hand in hers, lifting it gently and placing it against her cheek. She looked up at him, her eyes wide and her lips slightly parted as she nuzzled his hand. He remembered that moment well. He'd been mesmerised by her. Just like he was now.

Her skin felt silky and warm under his hand and he searched her face for a long moment before he let his fingers trail slowly down her cheek and along her jaw until they reached her mouth, where his thumb gently caressed her bottom lip. He heard Louisa draw in a shaky breath. Then she stepped even closer until he could feel the warmth of her body against his and involuntarily his arms slid around her waist and he pulled her close. Her proximity made it hard for him to think straight and when she put her hand behind his head and gently pulled it down, he didn't resist. He buried his face in her neck and felt the now familiar stinging in his eyes as the raw emotions of the last couple of days threatened to overflow. He was so relieved to have her in his arms - when he was with her, nothing else mattered. They stood like that for a long, long while, clinging together - drawing comfort from one another and nurturing the fragile thread that still bound them together.

A little whimper from the sitting room interrupted their comforting embrace as James Henry began to grizzle. Louisa lifted her head from Martin's shoulder to look into the darkened sitting room. "I'd better see to him."

Martin kept his arms around her. "I'd like to. May I…?"

She smiled up at him. "If you want to."

He stroked her cheek with his fingers and Louisa held her breath as he slowly lowered his head and their lips met in an achingly gentle kiss. It made her legs feel weak as she leaned into him but reluctantly Martin had to release her as James' cries intensified and he quickly went to the sitting room. Louisa followed and watched as he pulled the blanket aside and bent to pick James up out of the pram. She heard him murmur softly as he cradled his crying son to his chest, his big hand supporting his back. The baby's head nuzzled against his chin, his little hand clutching Martin's cheek and his cries immediately abated to little snuffles.

Martin looked at her over James' head. "I think he needs changing. Do you have…?"

Louisa fetched the nappy bag and Martin took it and slowly went upstairs, talking quietly to his son. Louisa's heart felt as if it would burst with love. This man, who was so guarded and afraid to show his emotions, could pour it out so easily when he was with James. Ruth was right, it was because with James he didn't fear rejection. This vulnerable and helpless baby gave Martin confidence and brought him into a place where he could show his love. Louisa could only marvel at the miracle of it - that Martin, so deprived of love and comfort as a child, could be such a loving and gentle father. It could so easily have been very different. But then she'd always instinctively known that Martin was an extraordinary man.

Louisa began to pack away the food on the table and tidied up while she waited for Martin. After a while it grew silent upstairs and Louisa eventually went up, looking first in the nursery and then in the bedroom where she found Martin lying on the bed. He'd discarded his jacket and tie and his shoes were on the floor. Little James was lying face down on his father's chest, fast asleep. Martin lifted his eyes to hers as his hand gently rubbed his son's back. His eyes were soft and a hint of a smile hovered around his mouth.

Louisa's heart melted and she smiled gently back at him as she slowly walked around the end of the bed and slipped off her shoes. The mellow light from the bedside lamp cast a soft glow in the room, accentuating her lips and the soft curve of her jaw. Martin's gaze was riveted on her as she slowly unbuttoned her white cardigan, sliding it off her shoulders and throwing it onto a chair in the corner before she slid onto the bed next to him. He shifted to put his arm around her and she snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder and sliding her arm around his waist. She felt a surge of contentment wash over her - this is where she wanted to be, just like this, close to the comforting presence of her husband. She listened to the sound of his breathing and felt the gentle rise and fall of his chest under her cheek. The emotional intensity of the day had tired her out and it wasn't long before she drifted off to sleep.

Sometime later, Martin moved carefully so as not to wake his sleeping wife and son. He took James through to the nursery and settled him under his fleecy blankets in his cot. Then he fetched a thick blanket from the linen cupboard and got back on the bed next to Louisa and covered them both with it.

When Louisa awoke early the next morning, this is how she found them, still fully clothed but entwined together. Martin stirred and she turned her head to look at his profile. He looked relaxed, a far cry from how he had been the night before. As if he felt her scrutiny, he opened his eyes and she saw him blink as he tried to adjust to the light.

"Morning." she murmured, running her hand down his chest to rest just above the waistband of his trousers.

He turned and looked at her, his mouth inches from hers. He looked sexy in the half light of the room with his hair slightly mussed and a faint stubble on his chin. She couldn't resist and closed the gap between them and they kissed – gently, tenderly.

"Mmm...morning," he murmured, his eyes half closed as he languidly stroked her hair.

Louisa sat up and leaned on her elbow. "We're a fine pair, aren't we? Falling asleep in our clothes when we could've...you know...been more...comfortable." Her grin was mischievous and in response his eyes crinkled at the corners.

"Yes…" he said and pulled her gently until she was lying on top of him. "We've still got a little time though...haven't we?" he murmured, framing her face with his hands and drawing her down so that their lips met. What started off as a gentle kiss soon turned to passion as their kiss deepened and Louisa felt Martin's body respond against hers. Uppermost in both their minds now was how to get out of their clothes as quickly as possible. Louisa was just about to get up when they heard James Henry begin to fuss.

"Oh no," Louisa groaned and hid her face in Martin's neck and she heard him growl, "Bugger…" in frustration.

**ooooOOOOoooo**

**Thanks to all those who take the time to leave reviews and PMs. The feedback is a wonderful way of getting to know readers' thoughts and whether one's intentions with the story are hitting their mark, or not. So thanks once again.**


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was just painting a soft glow over the cliff tops as Louisa set off down Roscarrock Hill with James Henry tucked warmly in his pram. It was early and with the exception of a few fishermen down on the Platt, there was no-one about. A few of the smaller boats in the harbour were already bobbing on the incoming tide and it wouldn't be long before the fishermen set out for the day.

Louisa's heart felt lighter and happier than it had done in a long time as her thoughts turned to Martin. His day was booked solid with consultations so she'd left early to go back to the rented cottage as all her and James' things were still there.

The look in Martin's eyes as she was leaving had spoken a thousand words. _In his mind he tells you all the time that he loves you but the words are difficult for him to say._ Ruth's words had suddenly made so much sense. She realised that she'd seen that look before - many, many times, but she had never stopped to think what was really going on behind those eyes. This morning when she'd seen that look, it had melted her heart.

A rush of tender feeling washed over her as she recalled their parting just a few moments before. She could still see his tall, trim figure, clad in his slightly rumpled suit trousers and his white shirt, open at the neck. His tousled hair made him look boyish and she'd stepped closer until she could run her fingers through it. They'd shared a sweet and infinitely gentle kiss as he stood holding the kitchen door open for her and they'd parted with a fierce and frustrated longing sparking between them.

Her pleasant thoughts were rudely yanked into the present by a lilting voice calling out. "Oh Lou-is-errr...my but you are out and about early this morning."

Louisa groaned inwardly as she saw Mrs Tishell leaning on a broom outside her shop. She gave a taut little smile as she tried to hurry by without any further engagement with the pharmacist. "Yes...yes...bright and early Mrs Tishell."

Mrs Tishell was having none of that though and hurried after her, forcing Louisa to a stop as she maneuvered herself in front of the pram. She held onto her broom as if it were some kind of medieval lance.

"Hello young James Henry," she cooed but kept her eyes on Louisa. "And what's brought you out so early…everything alright?"

Louisa turned and looked back up Roscarrock Hill with a soft smile on her face. "Yes...yes...everything is...just fine."

An expression of understanding dawned on Mrs Tishell's face and her mouth formed into an "Oh…", then quickly into a thin line. She positively bristled with disapproval and it brought out a mischievous devil in Louisa. She gave a deep, dreamy sigh and said, "Yes...Martin has a _very _busy day ahead so we didn't want to distract him any further...did we James?"

Mrs Tishell tossed her head. "_Distract_? Well I _never_...the poor man doesn't need any distraction if you ask me. Trying to run a busy medical practice on top of having to worry about a wife who...who…" She motioned with the broom handle in Louisa's direction.

Louisa's chin went up and her ponytail flicked defiantly. "Yes Mrs Tishell...who what?"

"Well..._Doc_-tor Ellingham should have a wife _at home_ who looks after him...not one who chooses to live half way across the village. If he were _my _husband he would _never _have to worry about a single thing, least of all wondering what his wife was up to." She looked Louisa up and down. "And now when it suits you, you just turn up on his doorstep and...and..._distract_ him!"

Louisa's voice dropped dangerously low as she leaned over the pram. "Mrs Tishell, how and when I choose to distract my husband is _none _of your business...or anyone else's. And...just so you know...he likes it when I _distract _him."

With that Louisa propelled the pram forward, forcing Mrs Tishell to jump out of the way but not before the nappy bag caught her on the knee. She stood staring after Louisa with her mouth hanging open in shocked outrage.

Louisa set off at a cracking pace towards the Platt and up Fore Street and didn't stop until she reached her cottage at the top of the hill and let herself in.

As soon as she had shut the door she went about changing James and warming his bottle but her thoughts were churning around Mrs Tishell's words. Her obsession with Martin had always irritated her. Mrs T would give anything to have a more intimate relationship with Martin and the way she threw herself at him was...was..._cringeworthy_. How Martin could bear to go near the chemist shop in the course of his duties was beyond her.

And the _cheek _of the woman to take her to task about her temporary separation from Martin. Louisa huffed out a breath. Who was she to judge other people when she couldn't possibly know what was going on in their lives - when Louisa herself hardly knew what was going on?

Louisa knew her relationship with Martin was complicated at the best of times but they had now reached a vulnerable and fragile place where they could begin to unravel and deal with all the things that made it so complicated. Yes she had chosen to be separate from him for a while, but it didn't mean she didn't love him. Just the opposite, in fact. It was because she loved him that it hurt so much when he seemed to detach himself emotionally from her.

_Doc-tor Ellingham should have a wife at home who looks after him. _Mrs Tishell's words rang in her head - what did she know? She certainly didn't know Martin if she thought he needed looking after. He was one of the most independent men she knew, especially when it came to domestic issues. He cooked and did more than his fair share of household chores - he also saw to the dry cleaning, washed the car, took out the trash and wielded a broom from time to time. The only thing she'd never seen him do was wash windows. So what was Mrs Tishell alluding to?

Louisa sat down, cradling James in her arms as she gave him his bottle. He began to suck contentedly, his eyes staring into hers and his sturdy little hand gripping her fingers. She smiled gently at him. He looked so much like his father. Martin also sometimes had that same wide open, penetrating stare that seemed to look right through a person.

Louisa shifted to make herself more comfortable and James frowned as he concentrated on latching back on to the teat. It was the same little frown that hovered between his father's eyes when he was concentrating or annoyed. She leaned forward and put her lips to his soft brow and drew in his baby scent. There were no words to express how much she adored this little boy and she was beginning to realise just how much she adored his father too - notwithstanding all the things that made their relationship so rocky.

Once again her thoughts turned to what Mrs Tishell had said. Did Martin need looking after? Certainly not on the domestic front but what about emotionally? Or physically? He could definitely do with a bit of help there. But then so could she if she had to be honest. Neither of them were good at expressing their needs, especially when it came to one another. She longed to hear Martin say nice things or sometimes put his arms around her and kiss her without her having to prompt him. And when he didn't, she let him know, by her peeved behaviour, that she was displeased, which only served to confuse him and make him even more reluctant to talk.

And what did he need from her? When it came to feelings, Martin couldn't express himself and even held back on expressing his physical needs but if she encouraged intimacy, he didn't hold back. He was loving and gentle and fully engaged. But outside of that context he would not talk or spontaneously tell her he loved her or even that she looked nice if she'd bought a new dress. She thought again about the look in his eyes that morning and she realised that she'd missed a lot of those moments. He _had _been 'telling' her things - the words just never got past his lips.

She wondered what would happen if she encouraged him to verbalise things when they were alone instead of waiting in vain for him to say them. Just like when she encouraged him to kiss her or make love to her. It didn't take much - just going to him and putting her arms around his neck and kissing his lips often did the trick. It wasn't as if he was ever unwilling. He just always held back from initiating things himself. His natural reticence and the inability to interact spontaneously would probably never go away - it was too deep seated, so if she wanted him to open up to her, she realised she would have to take the lead.

She looked down at James Henry cradled in her arms and just hoped that being raised in a home where both his parents loved him and weren't afraid to show it, would ensure that James, even if he was shy, wouldn't become as closed off and anti-social as Martin. Martin had once said to her that he wasn't going to be like his father and that James wasn't going to be like him. At the time she'd been relieved that he had acknowledged that it wasn't desirable that James should grow up to be like him. But recently she'd begun to think about that a lot. There was so much that she would be proud of in James if he grew up to be like his father. So much. He would be a man of integrity, he would be reliable, dependable and clever. And he would be gentle and loving.

James Henry's eyelids had drooped and she eased the teat from his mouth and gently wiped his soft pink lips with a cloth. He looked like a little angel with his rosy cheeks and wispy dark blond hair that begged to be stroked. She sat like that for a moment just enjoying him.

After a while she settled James in his cot and went back downstairs to work on finalising her report for the Governors' meeting she had to attend that evening. The admin that went with being head teacher was something she'd never get used to but it had to be done and this was the last of it, at least until school started again.

Every now and then, throughout the day, her thoughts would drift to Martin and how it had felt to wake up in his arms that morning. His warm, solid presence always made her feel secure and wanted. When she was apart from him she missed that. She missed the sound of his voice and his energetic presence in the house. His demeanour was always purposeful, no matter what he was doing. She even missed his obsession with tidiness.

He really was a very complex man - in some ways so self assured and in charge and at other times, most particularly with her, he seemed retiring and unable to speak. With Ruth he sometimes became quite loquacious, but it was always to do with medicine in one form or another: articles they'd read, or a colleague they both knew. But even with Ruth, the minute the conversation became a little too personal - too close to home, Martin would begin to grunt responses instead of elaborating. Ruth would just shake her head and give him her knowing smile.

Louisa glanced at her watch. The day had flown by quicker than she could have hoped for and she headed upstairs to get ready for her meeting at the school. In a little while she had to be back at the surgery as Martin had agreed to look after James. She showered and changed, then quickly packed a bag. At last she was ready and took one last look at her appearance before slipping into her coat.

It had just gone six o'clock when she maneuvered the pram into the kitchen, just in time to hear Martin ushering a patient out. It wasn't long before he appeared in the passage doorway looking so distinguished and smart in a slate grey suit with a light blue shirt and dark blue, striped tie.

"Hello." He said it almost as if it were a question.

"Hello Martin." She pushed the pram further into the kitchen. "Still ok to look after James?"

"Yes...yes of course."

"Are you done for the day?"

"Yes..."

Their eyes met and that exquisite tension arced between them again. She turned to close the kitchen door and Martin quickly moved around the kitchen table to take the pram from her. "Here…let me help you."

Their fingers touched on the handle and it was if sparks flew between them. Neither took their hand away. Without taking his eyes from hers Martin slowly moved his hand until it covered hers and breathed a sigh of relief when she smiled at him. Feeling a little bolder he took her fingers in his and slowly pulled her towards him and she came without resistance.

Martin held his breath. Her eyes were mesmerising as he stared into them. Beside them James was happily burbling away and banging his little toy on the pram. Neither of them noticed.

Louisa was so close to Martin now that he could feel the heat from her body and smell her soft feminine scent. His heart hammered in his chest as he slowly lowered his head until his lips just brushed hers, teasing her soft mouth so very gently. He heard her moan softly as she slid her hands up his chest and around his neck, pulling his head down and, encouraged by her caresses, he deepened the kiss. His hand was in the small of her back, pressing her against the length of his body, moulding her body to his, his other hand gently cupped her jaw as his mouth moved sensuously over hers. Nothing else existed but the two of them and their need of one another.

It was at this point that Morwenna appeared in the passage doorway, James' noisy babbling having masked her approach. She had been about to tell the Doc that he had another walk-in patient but stopped dead when she saw him kissing his wife. Well…to be accurate, he wasn't _just_ kissing her. It was the most sensuous kiss she had ever seen and he held Louisa to him as if they were one, his arms enfolding her as he kissed her senseless.

Morwenna's jawed dropped. Who would have thought that the Doc, who appeared to have not a shred of emotion in him and who always looked so stiff and starchy, could kiss a woman like that? My God, if she didn't know better she'd think she was imagining things.

Morwenna stood frozen to the spot, not wanting to break the spell the two were under, knowing that they'd been having problems and she was probably witnessing some kind of reconciliation. The Doc lifted his head slightly, trailing his mouth down Louisa's jaw to her neck and Morwenna heard Louisa whisper his name with such longing before his mouth claimed hers again in another searing kiss. Morwenna had no doubt that if they'd been alone they would soon be upstairs ripping each other's clothes off.

Just then little James Henry decided that neither of his parents were paying him enough attention and he stopped banging his toy and let out a plaintive wail. It broke the spell and the Doc pulled back, his face full of tenderness as he looked down at his wife. Not an expression Morwenna would have associated with the Doc but there it was, plain to see. He gently stroked Louisa's cheek with the back of his hand and murmured, "Til later?" And she breathed, "Yes."

This was Morwenna's cue to pretend that she'd just arrived in the doorway. "Oh _there _you are Doc…alright Louisa?" she said brightly.

They quickly stepped away from one another. Louisa gave a little smile and waved, bending down to give her attention to James but not before Morwenna had seen the faint blush on her cheeks. Not surprising the woman couldn't speak after being kissed like that, thought Morwenna.

The Doc turned abruptly. "Yes Morwenna …what is it?" His head was lowered as he tugged at his ear. He was clearly embarrassed. "I thought you'd left already." His tone was clipped and impatient. And there he was - back in full Doc mode.

"Well I _was _on my way out but then bumped into Mr Twilley - I know you're officially done for the day Doc but he's complaining something awful. Will you see him?"

"Yes," he said curtly, "Send him through." He began to move around the kitchen table towards the passage door then hesitated and turned back to look at Louisa. His face softened and Morwenna could feel the raw energy in the air between them. The Doc dragged his gaze away. "Morwenna," he said, his voice deeper than usual, "will you watch James Henry until I am finished with the patient? Uhh…please…" he added as an afterthought.

"Of course Doc…"

**ooooOOOOoooo**

Morwenna sat in the kitchen playing with James. He was a sweet lad with a sunny disposition and smiled so spontaneously. Nothing like his dad then, she thought, as she squeezed the little plastic duck which made James laugh uncontrollably every time it squeaked. But then again, all this time she, and probably the entire population of Portwenn, had been dead wrong about the Doc, hadn't they? Judging by the way he had been kissing Louisa, the Doc wasn't cold or without feeling. On the contrary, he was clearly a deeply sensuous and passionate man. And if he could kiss like that she could only imagine what he was like in bed. What else didn't they know about him?

Louisa had obviously recognized something in him. She'd been able to find a chink in his armour - one that allowed her to get close to him. And he clearly adored her. Morwenna had seen the raw emotions on his face today. Emotions that she'd previously only caught a glimpse of, like the day Louisa and James were leaving for Spain. The Doc's face had looked almost panic-stricken. She could see he wanted to say something to Louisa but all that came out was some rubbish about baby bottles. She could have kicked him. It was the only time she had seen him look vulnerable.

The only other time she had witnessed, what could only be described as a besotted look, was at his wedding when she had seen him looking at Louisa as she walked up the aisle towards him and again later across the dance floor at the wedding reception. His face had been soft and filled with pride.

She could hear him now in the passage scolding Mr Twilley. "I don't write prescriptions for fun you know…come back in a week…but don't bother if you haven't taken your medication this time."

Morwenna rolled her eyes - Doc Martin in full cry.

A few minutes later he appeared in the doorway. "Umm…thank you Morwenna."

He looked as stern and formal as always but from now on she wouldn't be fooled - she would be seeing him in a totally different light.

**ooooOOOOoooo**


	8. Chapter 8

After a tedious hour and ten minutes of listening to the report back from all the committee members, then discussing finances and projected budgets, Louisa was ready to scream. Her concentration hadn't been great to start with because all she could think about was getting home to Martin and James. But at last the meeting was adjourned and Louisa quickly gathered her papers together and shoved them into her satchel. People were still talking in small groups and she hoped she could just slip away without anyone noticing, but fate conspired against her.

"Louisa...have you got a minute?"

She turned and saw Stu McKenzie and David Miller, a representative from the Department of Education, approaching. Louisa groaned inwardly but she flashed them her brightest smile.

"Ahh...actually Stu, I was just heading out - it's getting a bit late."

"Don't worry, we won't keep you."

Famous last words fumed Louisa as she finally headed off down Fore Street. It had been another ten minutes of what she considered to be irrelevant chit chat with that very patronising man from the education department. Just because they were a small school in a fishing village didn't mean that they were backward. The cheek of him treating her as if she couldn't possibly be informed about departmental issues.

By the time she got to the surgery it was almost 8 o'clock and already dark. She quietly let herself into the softly lit kitchen but paused when she heard Martin's voice. He was reading to James, his voice soft and silky. She walked around the kitchen table and stood at the top of the step looking at the two most important people in her life. Martin had James cradled in his left arm and held the book in his other hand. James looked as if he was already asleep.

As if he felt her presence Martin turned his head and looked at her and his cheeks became a little more defined which Louisa knew meant that he was smiling.

"Hello." Martin closed the book and put it on the arm of the sofa.

"Hello...how did you get on?" she asked softly, not wanting to wake James.

"Fine…"

"Just fine?"

"No...good."

Louisa stepped down and came to sit on the sofa next to him. She put her hand out to gently stroke James' soft hair. His eyelashes made soft half-circles against his pink cheeks as he lay in his father's arm. Louisa felt as if her heart would burst with love as she looked at them. She felt so close to Martin in a way she would never be able to describe if someone had to ask her. All she knew was that her whole being hummed with love for him.

He looked at her and his face was soft in the dim light. Louisa lifted her hand from James' head and trailed her fingers up Martin's chest until she reached his face, where she let her hand rest against his cheek.

"Remember when I asked you yesterday to tell me what was in your heart?"

"Mmm…"

"Can you tell me now?"

He continued to stare at her and she could see he was struggling.

"Tell me what you are thinking when you look at me like that."

He took a deep breath. "Uhh...that you're very beautiful...and…umm..."

Louisa gently turned his face more toward her. "And?"

"And I still can't believe you're my wife."

Louisa's face broke into a radiant smile. "Thank you Martin. Was that very difficult?"

"Uhh…no." His tone was cautious as he dipped his chin and gave a little cough.

"Good...because next time you are thinking something like that, I want you to just tell me...without me asking."

"Every time?"

"Well yes…when we're alone of course."

Martin's eyes went round and he opened his mouth but nothing came out.

Louisa's smile was mischievous. "I want to know every thought that's swirling around that head of yours."

Martin tucked his chin in even more and mumbled, "That's not very practical Louisa."

"No...but it would be fun, wouldn't it?"

"Fun?"

"Yes...especially when you look at me in that special way. Then I definitely want to know what you're thinking."

Martin cleared his throat as a faint blush crept into his cheeks. "Yes...well...mmm…"

Louisa laughed softly. "Mmm...especially then." She stroked the hair at the back of his head and leaned forward to place her lips against his cheek. She loved his smooth skin and the clean male scent that was so uniquely his. He turned his head until his mouth was only inches from hers and Louisa slowly closed the gap until their lips met in a gentle kiss. Finally, she leaned back.

"I think James is ready for his cot now."

Martin looked down at his son. "Yes...I'll just take him up, shall I?"

Louisa nodded and slid off the sofa, watching as Martin stood up with James cradled in his arms. She bent to kiss the top of James' soft head. "Night night darling."

Louisa was rinsing a cup at the kitchen sink when she heard Martin come in. "Did James go down alright?" she asked, without turning around.

"Yes."

She picked up the towel to dry her hands, suddenly sensing Martin behind her and shivered as she felt his arms slide around her waist. She leaned back against him, tilting her head as his lips caressed the side of her neck.

"Mmm..." She turned in his arms so she could look up at him. His eyes seemed more light blue than grey tonight. "And what's all this about…mmm?" she murmured.

He lifted his head. "I thought you wanted me to show you...affection?"

"Oh I do…"

"Mmm...maybe I'm doing it wrong then."

Louisa shook her head slightly. "No...you're doing it just fine."

"Good."

He lowered his head until his lips found hers and kissed her so gently that her legs went weak. At last he lifted his head to look down at her with those soft eyes.

"So…what are your plans - for the rest of the evening?" he asked, his voice soft and deep. He had a way of raising one eyebrow and tilting his head slightly when he asked a question that she found so endearing.

"Well I'm hoping there'll be a handsome doctor waiting for me upstairs when…," She didn't get to finish that thought before his mouth came down firmly on hers again and she gave herself up to his kiss. Louisa didn't want the moment to end but she eventually pulled back slightly and Martin immediately tried to draw her in again.

"Uh uh." She quickly laid her fingers on his lips. "If you kiss me like that again Martin Ellingham, we won't make it upstairs." She stroked his cheek. "Why don't you go up in the meantime and I'll lock up down here?"

"Yes…" He reluctantly stepped back then hesitated, his eyes searching hers as if to reassure himself. She tilted her head to one side and saw him relax - just a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Then he turned and headed for the stairs.

After she'd locked up and checked that the surgery phone was routed to the standby doctor in Wadebridge, Louisa made her way upstairs. Martin was still in the bathroom, so she quickly undressed and slipped into the dressing gown she'd brought in her overnight bag, then went into the darkened nursery to check on James who, she was very happy to see, was peacefully asleep in his cot. Tonight she wanted her time with Martin to be uninterrupted. She left the nursery just as the bathroom door opened and he appeared wearing his dressing gown, his hair still damp from the shower. She smiled at him. "I won't be a minute," and slipped past him into the bathroom before he could say or do anything.

Louisa showered and brushed her teeth in record time and a few minutes later emerged from the steamy bathroom wrapped in her robe. She'd left her hair loose because she knew Martin liked it like that.

He was standing next to the bed waiting for her, so tall and sexy and her need of him was overwhelming. His eyes never left her face as she came to him and wound her arms around his neck, pulling his head down so that their lips met. They kissed hungrily and deeply. His hands slid down her back to press her close, moulding her body to his. His touch melted her inside as his mouth moved softly over hers, grazing her lips with his, then deepening into a slow and sensuous motion. Louisa felt weak as she wound her arms around Martin's neck, her fingers in his soft hair. He lifted his mouth from hers and trailed his lips down her jaw to the base of her throat where he let them linger on the pulse that raced there.

Their kisses were on fire as he began to walk her backwards until he lay her gently onto the bed, then slid down next to her. He let his hand wander to the sash of her gown where he slowly pulled at the bow and his eyes were riveted on her as he pushed the soft material aside. He looked down and his voice was soft and shook slightly. "You're so beautiful."

Louisa tugged at the lapels of his robe, pushing them aside until she could run her hands over his smooth chest. She gently continued pushing the robe over his shoulders until he sat up and swiftly shed it, letting it fall to the floor beside the bed.

Louisa's arms went around him as he settled back down beside her and she pulled him closer. She'd also shed her robe and her hair cascaded down over her naked shoulders.

"Louisa…?" His eyes were intense as they stared down into hers and he succumbed to the pressure of her arms pulling him closer as she arched her body against his. "Oh God Louisa…"

Their lovemaking was intense; fuelled by the sexual tension that had been building up between them over the last few days. Every touch, every whispered word became amplified by the outpouring of their passion. And when they finally reached the place of no return, they fell from that most exquisite of heights, clinging together - breathlessly whispering each other's name as they surrendered themselves to that intense and explosive moment.

When the storm had passed, they lay together, their hearts pounding and their breath ragged. Martin's face was buried in Louisa's neck. He tried to shift his weight off of her but she clung to him, running her hands down his smooth back and up again to lift his head so she could look at him. Her face was flushed and soft. "I love you Martin…so very, very much." She stroked his face gently. His eyes were so full of love and he gently kissed her forehead and then her lips. "Love you too Louisa."

**ooooOOOOoooo**

It was a long while later when Martin whispered. "Louisa?"

"Mmm…" She'd been lying with her cheek against his chest, listening to his breathing, sensing that he too was awake. She'd wanted to talk more about what had happened between them before, but she didn't want to spoil the tender feeling that had settled around them after their lovemaking.

Martin turned until he was lying on his side and rested his head on his arm, his other hand gently toying with a strand of her hair. "I'm glad you came back."

"I was always going to come back Martin. I was just angry with you and now that I…"

He put a finger on her lips. "I know you were angry and I now understand why." He traced a finger over her lips. "I'm sorry you felt excluded and...umm...I will take more care not to let that happen again."

Louisa sat up and leaned on her elbow, tucking her hair behind her ear. "We both have to take more care...haven't we? I got angry and instead of talking it through properly, I took James and left." She stroked her fingers lightly over his face. "I'm sorry for that...and I want you to know that I won't do it again."

They searched each other's faces in the dim light.

"I don't think I could bear it if you left again." Martin's voice was soft.

"I won't...you have my word."

The silence was filled with tenderness as they stared at one another.

Louisa raised an eyebrow as she ran her hand around his waist until it come to rest at the base of his spine and Martin knew she wanted him to tell her what he was thinking. He hesitated. How could he tell her that he was terrified? He could never be sure that he wouldn't blurt out something that _he_ found perfectly logical but that she would see as insensitive. Or how confused he became at her emotional outbursts. All he knew was that he loved her with every fibre of his being. His whole world had come to revolve around her and James and nothing else mattered when he was with them. She completed him in a way he couldn't describe. It didn't sound silly when he said it in his mind, but the thought of opening his mouth and telling her these things terrified him.

Louisa leaned over and planted tiny little kisses on his lips. "Say it…"

Martin stroked her shoulder and took a deep breath.

"Umm…I was thinking that I am terrified of messing things up again. I'm not sure I can change and be the man you want me to be. The one who thinks before he speaks and sugar coats things to make them sound more acceptable. I tried it once…with your friend Polly…"

Louisa smiled but didn't correct him and waited for him to continue.

"As I recall it didn't end well, did it?" Martin hesitated and let his hand slide down her back. "But I do love you - it feels like every cell in my body comes alive when I am near you." He frowned and tucked his chin in. "Of course, medically or…uh…biologically speaking, that's utter rubbish…it's a cocktail of hormones that combines to make one feel…"

Louisa smothered his mouth with hers and he completely forgot what he was going to say. All he could think of was her – the feel of her body against his, the scent of her, how sweet her lips tasted and the relief he felt when he could gather her to himself and feel her loving arms around him.

Louisa leaned back to look at him. "I feel that way too Martin. And yes, there are things we must both work on, but I do know this…I don't ever want to be apart from you again. We can work things out – can't we?"

"Mmm…yes."

Louisa lay down and snuggled into him again.

Martin blinked in the dim light. "Will you move back home now?"

"Yes Martin. I will fetch the rest of our things tomorrow."

"Good."

Louisa felt Martin's hand gently rubbing her shoulder and the other fidgeting with the duvet. He was thinking again she was sure. He was usually very still in bed.

"Umm Louisa – when I said that thing about 'every cell in my body' – to be more accurate I should have said 'every nerve ending' because individual cells can't feel and I wasn't thinking when I said…"

"Martin…"

"Yes?"

"Shhh. No more talking."

"Mmm…yes." A silence fell between them again broken only by the distant sound of waves breaking against the harbour wall. Martin felt a contentment he hadn't felt in a long time. He kissed the top of her head. "Good night…Mrs Ellingham," he said softly.

Louisa's words were half lost as she mumbled against his chest. "G'night…husband."

**ooooOOOOoooo**

**My apologies for the long delay in posting this final chapter of The Very Heart of Me - my muse has been rather fickle! I hope it's been worth the wait and I would love to know your thoughts.**


End file.
